| How many best picture nominees do you try to see before the Oscar ceremony? |
| If you're an academy member, I'd like to assume the answer is "all of them," especially with the new rule in place this year requiring voters to attest to watching everything before voting in a category. But in talking to members in recent days, what constitutes a "watch" varies wildly, ranging from "I viewed it all the way through the closing credits (I love credits!)" to "I turned it off after 10 minutes because I just wasn't that into it and, besides, a new episode of 'The Pitt' just dropped." |
| I'm Glenn Whipp, columnist for the Los Angeles Times and host of The Envelope newsletter. The Oscars are 27 days away, so there's still time to check off some movies. In the meantime, let's look at how those best picture nominees are positioning themselves as ballots are about to go out. |
'Bugonia' |
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| (Focus Features) |
| There was a bald screening of this movie! No, not the motion picture academy screening populated by Oscar voters with receding hairlines. People showed up at a theater and let a barber shave their heads so they could see "Bugonia" early. Weirdos? Yes. Sickos? As the word has been redefined of late, absolutely. What other movie inspired that kind of passion this year? We don't see anyone putting down their pickleball paddles to take up ping-pong. |
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'F1' |
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| (Warner Bros. Pictures) |
| Ggghhzzzzzzzhhhhhhhggggggzzzzzzzeeeeeong! What?? Ggghhzzzzzzzhhhhhhhggggggzzzzzzzeeeeeong! Speak up!! Ggghhzzzzzzzhhhhhhhggggggzzzzzzzeeeeeong! I said ... Ggghhzzzzzzzhhhhhhhggggggzzzzzzzeeeeeong! We know we're not really best picture material but ... Ggghhzzzzzzzhhhhhhhggggggzzzzzzzeeeeeong! ... Can you at least give us the Oscar for sound? Ggghhzzzzzzzhhhhhhhggggggzzzzzzzeeeeeong! |
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'Frankenstein' |
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| (Ken Woroner / Netflix) |
| [Sung to the tune of "Beauty and the Beast"] |
| Tale as old as time
Plain as it can be
Barely even gives
Then somebody lives
Quite predictably |
| Just a little dull
Actors looking lost
But Elordi sure was great
We don't get the hate
Guillermo is so boss |
| Ever just the same
Never a surprise
Cartoonish-looking wolves
Lifeless in their eyes
Then somebody dies |
| Certain as the sun
Rising in the East
Tale as old as time
Nine noms ain't a crime
This movie's such a feast! |
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'Hamnet' |
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| (Focus Features) |
| Take my hand and let's go someplace quiet. It's just you and me. No one else is listening. Take a deep breath. Let it out. Now ... open your heart and remember how you felt when you watched "Hamnet" for the first time. Is your heart open? Are you sure? Because if your heart isn't in your throat right now, then it can't really be fully open. You're weeping? Good. Shaken to the core? Excellent! Now dry those tears and trust your feelings. |
'Marty Supreme' |
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| (A24) |
| [Sung to the tune of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"] |
| Welcome to our film
There's no turning back
Mr. Wonderful's got a paddle
He will find you |
| Acting on your best behavior
Turn your back on human nature
Everybody wants to vote Timée |
| It's our own design
It's our own resource
We'll help you to decide
Help you make the ... |
| Most of taste and of pleasure
For an Oscar he will treasure
Everybody wants to vote Timée |
| There's a room where the bathtub's falling
And the end when Timée's bawling
When he does do you find it galling? |
| So glad he's almost made it
So sad his age might derail him
Still, (nearly?) everybody wants to vote Timée |
'One Battle After Another' |
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| (Warner Bros. Pictures) |
| Yes, it has been one award after another. We realize all that winning gets a little old. Did anyone outside of Kansas City and Taylor Swift fans cheer for the Chiefs in the Super Bowl last year? They did not. Still, you can't give us all these trophies and stop with the Oscars. This is the movie of the moment and (unfortunately) keep your eyes on (giving us) the final prize. ¡Viva la revolución! |
'The Secret Agent' |
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| (Festival de Cannes) |
| We know what "Sirāt" filmmaker Oliver Laxe said. "At the academy there's a ton of Brazilians and we love 'em a ton, but they're ultranationalists. I reckon if the Brazilians submitted a shoe, they would all be voting for it." Well, let us tell you this, good sir: If we are a shoe, then consider us a pair of Christian Louboutin boots. We've got style, amigo! And those boots would look great on that severed leg in our movie, the one that hops and bops and would probably kick Laxe straight in the ass if it ran into him. |
'Sentimental Value' |
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| (NEON) |
| Confidentially, we find the Oscars and the notion of judging art a bit ... klosset. Kind of like your president, who hasn't exactly been making too many friends in Scandinavia of late. But we do thank you for the nine nominations, each of them important and equal in value. The news warmed our hearts in the midst of this cold, dark and endless winter. Should you honor us with the international feature Oscar, we promise to plant the statuette somewhere on an ice sheet in Greenland, another mineral treasure for you to covet from afar. |
'Sinners' |
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| (Warner Bros. Pictures) |
| Sixteen Oscar nominations. 16! You may have heard, but that's the most nominations for any movie in the history of the Academy Awards. We were recognized in every category in which we were eligible. Makes you think, doesn't it? Maybe you're putting us at the top of your ranked ballot. If so, thank you! If not, you at least have to be thinking about all those nominations (did we mention that it's 16 and a record?) and wonder if you should perhaps be putting it near the top of yours. |
'Train Dreams' |
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| (Netflix) |
| Beautiful, ain't it? All of it. Every bit of it. But especially the cinematography. Given the modest spirit of this film, we'll leave the boasting to others. Some folks have called our photography "stunning" and "rapturous," to which we can only say, "Aw, shucks." We think they're purty too. Now excuse us. We've got some whittlin' to do. |
